Saudade

Saudade is a portuguese word that lacks a suitable translation. It means something along of the lines of nostalgia, yearning, ennui or missing.

48 hours rest between me and my departure. I just said goodbye to my visiting friends. They allowed me to re-experience my favorite parts of Rio with the same sense of excitement that I had when I arrived. They also sparked another feeling. Though it is hard to tell sometimes, I have adapted quite well (both physically and mentally) to my new, strange environment. Both my friends got sick here, one to the point of hospitalization. I spent 3 days of their visit playing the role of hospital translator. In addition, they reacted to my homestay the same way I remember reacting my first week in Rio. I had almost forgotten the shock/horror I felt when I saw the amount of dirt and bugs I would be living with for 5 months. It took my friends visit to remind me how crazy this experience has been, especially from the American perspective.

I have been thinking about "saudade" a lot as my time comes to an end here. The thoughts really started on Friday, June 6th. I went to an event called "Jazz at the Maze," and it was probably the most amazing party I have ever attended. The Maze is a seemingly small building that is right in the middle of a favela in the Catete area of Rio. Once inside, it truly is a maze. There are strange staircases that lead to different hang-out areas and several lookout points that offer some of the best nighttime views I have had of Rio. I made a new friend there, another PUC student from New York. She described the experience in perhaps the most precise and concise way I have heard: "The highs are high and the lows are low." Simple, but extremely accurate. This thought has been ringing in my head ever since, and it has sparked the following lists of thoughts.


Things I have missed
Friends and family-I have met some cool people, but none that beat those that I am lucky enough to have in my life at home.
Personal space-does not exist in Rio. A curtain separates my bed from a loud family. Bathroom stalls are so small that I have to brush my legs against the toilet to close the door.
Safety-the horror stories from other exchange students (among other things) have kept me on edge the entire time here. I finally got robbed while my friends were here. Thankfully, it was not violent and not much was lost. I suppose I was due.
Taking care of myself-weirdly, I miss doing my own laundry and cooking for myself. I also miss spending money because I earned the money, not because my parents gave it to me (thanks Mom and Dad!). Independence is a hard thing to lose once you have had it. I can't wait to eat healthy, cook, clean, exercise, and earn some cash.

Things I have not Missed
Stressful schedules- It's funny, on paper, I accomplished more here than the average American student accomplishes in a normal semester. I received 18 credit hours and interned 12 hours per week, all while learning a language and having the time of my life visiting amazing places. Still, the amount of work I put into this is nothing compared to my life in the U.S.

Things I will not miss
Rio's horrific transportation- It takes 1 hour to get somewhere by bus that would take 90 minutes by foot. Rush hour is not an hour, but 4 hours. The traffic never seems to go away.
Brazilian Classism- This aspect of Brazilian culture deserves its own post. Basically, the wealth gap in Rio makes me want to vomit, and the majority of people have an attitude about it that only makes it worse. Wealthy people do not trust anybody because of the stories they hear or witness about violence and crime in their own city. The media and police are corrupt. In reality, the poor are some of the most welcoming and fun-loving people in the world.

Things I will miss
New friends- It is hard to say if I will ever see most of the people I have met here again.
Beaches, forests, parks, mountains, etc.- Rio is indescribably beautiful. Sometimes, it is easy to forget to appreciate my surroundings. When I get home and get over reverse culture shock, I will hopefully have some amazing images left in my memory.
Food- I am a sucker for several Brazilian staples. Picanha steak, rice and beans, smoothies made from Amazonian fruits, empadas, salgados, pizza, brigadeiros, the list goes on...
My own attitude- The way I approach life here is incredibly unsustainable, both for my wallet and my body. The amount of times I have said "sure, why not" to Tuesday night parties, afternoon cakes, and all-you-can-eat restaurants would have me dead-or bankrupt-before age 50 if I kept it up.


So I guess this is it? It all seemed anti-climactic until my friends visited to make me realize how much I have accomplished and learned. Still, distance, both in time and space, will only breed more reflection.